Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

In Part 2, Cloud and Townsend examine the various relationships in which boundary conflicts arise. In Chapter 7, the authors focus on family. As people start to understand and analyze themselves further, they often find that many of their boundary issues stem from unhealthy family dynamics. Overly critical or passive-aggressive parents still affect their children long after these children form families of their own. Even after months or years of therapy, many people find themselves trapped in cycles doomed to mirror the toxic dynamics of their families, some of which were present since early childhood.

The authors argue that there are two reasons why people continue to live in these unhealthy cycles. The first reason is connected to people’s inability to break free from vices endemic to their families (either since childhood or even before birth). The second reason is spiritual: Some don’t believe or understand that they can leave the toxic elements of biological families behind as, according to the authors, “Our true family is the family of God” (130). Yet for all the pain and strife that boundary conflicts cause, resolution is possible by engaging in one or more of the following processes: identifying the symptom, identifying the actual conflict, identifying the need that drives the conflict, taking in and receiving the good, practicing boundary skills, saying “no” to the bad, forgiving the aggressor, responding rather than reacting, and learning to love with freedom and responsibility as opposed to guilt.